While Babysitting...

My life hasn't really changed much since we've last talked. The only major things that did change is I got a car, but I haven't been able to use it because of it having some problems with the motor; AND Egpyt broke up with me not too long ago, I no longer wear his ring. But I'm doing fine, I was going to break up with him eventually because I don't think I truly wanted him to move here anyway.

I don't go out as much because I'm usually doing errands for my mom or babysitting or doing homework. But when I do go out, I hang with Harmony, friend of mines since middle school, we've gotten pretty close. She's great and I love her too. :)
Also, I returned to the Language Exchange group at MCC, and there's a cutie. HEY it'll be my motivation to attend. Come on.
And, I think I'm going to return to ZUMBA! Heheheheheh.

Personally, I think I'm doing pretty good in school. I think I have straight B's which is good right? since it's college, eh. Procrastination is something I'll probably never change. Hahaha.

Something new though, is that I have been thinking a lot about El Salvador. Filling my brain with illusions that probably won't happen because someone will eventually talk me out of moving there in the next two years.
Yes, I want to move to El Salvador once I graduate with my AA. At least live there for a year. You know, be around actual family and people who are supposed to care for you. Maybe I can give some crap to my "dad" while my stay there. >;) Or maybe I'll just create a whole new life with someone new and have a Salvadoran adventure! Ohhh, that sounds so great.

.............
I need to stop getting butterflies from that guy who has a wife and a kid back in his homecountry. It sucks, but it's the truth. I have to stop this. And move on. Which means, new friends! LOL!

Hope you're great right at this very moment.
Love you too.

Kathy

Tonight was lame.

So I hung with the "bad crowd" tonight, I thought it wasn't gonna be so great because well I figured my mex friend would bail out and leave, crying back home. But she didn't this time, we stayed for like a couple of hours, and in between she gets all wasted. I don't panic; I really didn't care, until I remembered that I'm supposed to be the "good influence" I took a bunch of rips but that didn't make me crazy as she was. I honestly don't know if she was acting or just being stupid. Either way she WAS/IS stupid.
She kept being in the spotlight with the guys and the other girls I was with, got jealous? So now they're hating on her or me I guess, i don't know. Lol. But I'm super scared of my friend's dad. I really hope she doesn't get caught. Or else I'll be dead.

My mom, I really don't know if she was cool with me doing that kinda stuff, I don't think she is, but I was honest. I didn't tell her exactly "Oh I did this and that" but she got the idea i Guess.



And bunnie lover, if you're reading this, I really hope you keep this blogger thing :(
I am going to miss you so much, I hope you have the best time of your life at Oregon(my dream place). Maybe someday I'll come pay a visit. Please take care of yourself, I believe in you so I know that no matter what, you're always gonna be with your chin up high. :) Don't ever look back, or let anyone make you feel belittled. You're great, no questions asked. I'm gonna miss our crazy times...
I am really gonna miss you my mokest friend, but i'm not so sad knowing that you're determined to keep this place in the world wide web. :) Because so am I.
Con mucho amor <3,
Kathy

Running in brains

So while chatting with my mom, I figured out, that it is necessary for me to worry about my future.
But at the same time, I cannot worry to the extreme, where I start thinking things like
"Oh if I'm not a pathetic nurse I won't be able to breath"
Those kind of things, it's just useless in life.

If someone does not know what to do in life, then let that person be.
I don't think that someone should be judged just by their profession
to hold on to credentials.

I need to work hard, I need to become someone who will protect and care for my mother
when she needs me the most.

I will do that, even if I die trying.

That is what matters in life.
To be able to return all the gifts to the special person who is always there for you
in times less expected.



In other news,
I have gained just about 15 lbs than my average weight.
I mean I was on the border of overweight and obese. But oh hell, that border is long lost.
I am now obese. And it is not good for my life.
I need to be healthy, I need to be happy with myself.
But honestly, like the way I am living at, I am not.

It is time to change...
Maybe some are nodding their heads, sighing "finally"
while I need to be proud that I frequently ware myself.

The size of my abdomen is just massive and unbearable.
I need to control myself in to not having those delicious delicacies and giving it up
to another life. Another life, where I will have a high metabolism and will let myself eat
anything without a worry of some careless calories that will end up the next morning.

Things do not happen from night to day,
only if you really lose all calorie concerns for the next morning. :)

Another Thursday passes by...

Haven't you noticed that time has been flying super fast??? I'm extremely sorry for not writing in a while. A lot has happened since then. But right at this moment: I'm sick at home with the flu and my mom is giving me problems about me refusing to go to the doctors. This entire day she's been grumpy with me and her grumpiness gets contagious so I too got grumpy. It's just the flu and like Kaiser's advice nurse said "Rest, rest, rest!" And that's what I'm trying to do! Except I'm getting bored of these four walls, I haven't completely understood why every month I get sick with this damn illness, I'm beginning to feel imprisoned with the never ending sneezes and spider web scratching in my poor throat. I think my mother's beliefs of witchcraft are starting to get to me. Maybe someone has put a spell on me of the flu bug. Great!

Tomorrow should be a different day though, I'm going to Lahaina for the night at the Christian church Mizpa. My friend and I, always, I mean ALWAYS doll up for this church. It's ridiculous because our plan is to impress some people if y'know what I mean but it NEVER works. Yes I'm getting dolled up tomorrow. ;))

It's a whole lot of fun, unlike my church they have many opportunities for youth and there are enough young people to form a youth group. :) (And there's a lot of hot guys, at least that's what I've heard.) I'm hoping to be a part of it, I'm really hoping my mom agrees to drive at least every two weeks there. It's really fun, last week Friday I went to accompany my friend, she's been having a rough time in her life. Her mom and little sisters got deported to Mexico, it was very depressing, I can't even imagine how it would feel to be apart from my mom. :( But anyway let's change the mood, on Saturday me and my same friend joined the youth group at one of their activities. A trip to the twin falls, no parents and only flat bread pizza!!!! :DD
That trip didn't go so well as I hoped for. There were about four happy couples in mah face the whole time. By noon I got irritated, I wanted to jump off the waterfall first, I climbed the valley by myself and reached to the top by myself. Later did two guys come but just as I thought they wanted to impress their girlfriends. I wanted to jump off the waterfall first. Fabian (my friend's boyfriend) was trying to convince me to not jump, that no one knows how deep it is. He seemed like he really cared about me. When I looked into his eyes, I got weak and my heart screamed for obedience but I had forgotten about my friend. I turned my vision back to the waterfall. My toes near the edge, just about ready to let loose of all ground, the fear inside me had long consumed me.
All the guys managed to jump off, and impress everyone, while I, still stood near the edge, but this time with no determination left inside. It was then I realized how weak of a person I am.

...........

I didn't want to forgive myself so I went off their trail, didn't come down but only went even more up the path. I found a solitary pond, with its own little waterfall, I liked it. The water lured me in, I closed my eyes as I sunk in the water trying to forget the world.


After two guys found me, we decided we were all hungry that meant the pizza place was next. On our way to the cars, I walked by myself and had a distance from the group. I put my sunglasses and cried the way back. My friend saw that something was wrong so her and her boyfriend, Fabian kept on asking me if I was okay. Their real or fake concern made my eyes gush out waterfalls. I never really told them what was wrong with me, remember I had a distance from them.
The pizza was pretty good, paid $20, the money that my mom had argued about that morning. Oh well. I really need a job and this time keep it for good. At least until I have my life ordered and ready to go.






There were about three good lucking guys in the group. One was with my friend. Another was with another girl but I heard she cheated on him and that now they were just friends. But I don't think friends touch each others' crotches. And the other kid well... he's funny, pretty muscular, has a cute smile, is taller than me, I think he's single. But someone was talking about the time with his ex and he shut the person up. I didn't analyze him as much that day but I figured, he'd already have a prettier girl in mind. The day soon enough ended with me attending church with my mother. My friend sits by me and tells me about that one kid, his name's Oscar. He told her boyfriend that his "girlfriend's friend is really pretty." And I thought "ME?!?!?!?! NO WAY! I LOOKED SHITTY" On Sunday, my friend called me up and told me that one of the guy's from the group (Not Oscar) wanted my number, we think that this guy might give it to Oscar because he's too shy or some stupid shit like that. Monday, Tuesday, nothing really happened until yesterday my friend again told me that Oscar texted her telling her that he liked me but not to tell me. HAHAHA. My friend, impatient already gave him my number but he says he won't text me yet. So now all that's left to do is to recover from the flu, get really dolled up for L-church tomorrow to impress some people and maybe get a text from that one Oscar dude. LOL.


Until next time I have something worth to type out.
Kathy

Sinusitis

So I've been sick for what? 7 days now? I've never been this sick. I was terrified when I found out that blood was coming out of my nose along with my mucus. I was coughing out blood too. Some guessed that I might have pneumonia, but that directed me to thought of death.

I didn't go to school on Monday, but on Tuesday, I had no choice but to go. Because of a stupid annual math exam. The cafeteria had no damn tissue box so I had to get up and go to the bathroom to blow my nose with toilet paper. When I got up from my table, some stared at me but I didn't care, I was on a mission to stop dripping of mucus onto my exam. I no longer cared how much questions I got correct or incorrect, I just wanted to walk away from school and forget everyone. Wednesday came, I stayed home, I didn't even feel like like going to the church service up at Makawao. My mom said the chilly air there would make me worse. So that night I stayed home and thought of whether I should return to school on Thursday. Thursday reminded me that in my fifth period class I had a debate to do in Chemistry. My group consisted of six people but only me and Rzz actually cared. I knew that Rzz could defend herself but I at least wanted to support her by my presence. I knew I had to make up for the rest of our team. She was the one who spoke mostly, I only got up like twice and said something minimum. One of the guy's on the other team decided to be a dick to me [pardon my language] and said "SPEAK LOUDER" in a harsh tone, and that's when our teacher said something about me being sick. I then murmured to the side, "Bitch". Chemistry, in general, is boring, science is so NOT my thing, people say our teacher sucks and she doesn't deserve the title as "teacher." But I'm like "fuck it." LOL. Anyway, I was still bleeding from my nose that Thursday morning, I felt worse. I knew that I shouldn't have gone to school that day. During recess, I called my mom to let her know that I wanted to come home, she knew what state I was in. One period later, there's a phone call with the message of my ride being in front of the office. I was so glad I was going home. There at least I could put my head down and not care about anyone.

I was wrong, I had my mom to think of. She was still sick, but she was getting better. I remember that last week when she was sick, I wasn't much of a help to her. I wasn't the best nurse around. But now that I was sick, I felt guilty and horrible. So I tried my best to put a huge smile on my face and told her I felt a whole lot better...

It's Saturday now, I'm still telling her I feel good. But I think she knows my lies. She let me rest but I felt guilty. She worked so hard yesterday, she worked two hours cleaning the Bailey Museum, six hours at Raul's house, and still come home to sell pupusas for the hungry. I really wonder where she gets all her energy and motivation from. When I ask her these kinds of questions, she doesn't understand me.

I've been stressing out on Senior Project presentation, 'cause I haven't exactly written my speech or practiced anything yet. I have a lot of back work from being absent so much. I know we have a 5-day weekend, but I've already used up two without doing anything. I really hope I finish reading Jane Eyre and my speech and my powerpoint for Chem by tomorrow. It's just, I need to feel better and have motivation or inspiration. Whatever it is.

I'm supposed to go to church in a few hours, depending on how I feel. There are two reasons as to why I go to New Life Church. One, when the pastor holds his prayings, I get fascinated by everyone chanting and crying. Their faces are full of hope and desire. I admire Christians, they believe in someone who promises miracles. But the catch is too be able to serve him in the good and the bad, the bad meaning he's testing you to see if you really love him. Sometimes I wish I were like that. Quickly, I am reminded of how weak of a person I am. A little problem pops up and I'm already finding a way to rid myself from it. I should be able to stand up, chin high and let no one back me down. But I am so weak...
The second reason why I go to church, is to see this one guy. His name is the Spanish term for "Saints." I met him two years ago at the same church, we exchanged numbers, began texting and called each other. He asked me to be his girlfriend but I denied. He's a couple years older than me, at that time I saw that as a turn off. He also has a mustache and that was another defect. Plus, he asked me out over a text. Who does that?! But now he returns to church, stares at me from across the room, and in one exchange of eyes, I managed to give out a quirky smile, he smiled back and lifted his eyebrows. He didn't speak to me until the third time he came to church. I was having a bad day that Sunday but It happened like this: I was sitting next to my dear mother and had two empty chairs to my right. During the church service, I would see him from the corner of my eye. As I recall, I had a runny nose (again) so I went ahead and grabbed tissue from the bathroom again. I returned to my seat and stared forward towards the preacher. I saw my mom make a gesture to someone on the right side of church, that's where he was sitting. I quickly glanced at him and saw that he was asking what happened to me. By gestures of course. Ten minutes later, by the corner of my eye I see him saying bye to his friend. I thought "Aww he's leaving, already?" Five minutes later, he randomly appears on my right. I was shocked and got a little nervous but it didn't prevent me from side-talking to him. He seemed to be in a playful, while I wasn't. We overheard the preacher say "cheer up those who are sad or mad" and Saints joked about that with me. Saying something about his cheerfulness being contagious. He was right though. I was happy that he approached me first, that he spoke to me, that he made me smile on my bad day. Church people are gossipers, but I admire how he didn't care what people thought, and sat by me anyway. That was the last time I saw him. It's been two weeks now but I am still hoping he comes back. He will make God and I happy he came to church. :) I should've made another post about him. Oh well what's done is done.

Tonight, mom promised me she'd take me out to dinner at Casanova. Just the two of us. Because it's better that way. We know each other and we can practically read our minds.

I'm not looking forward to Valentine's Day either. I just hope I get to see and speak with Saints. Yup, that's his Mexican name. I don't care. I don't care that he has a mustache/beard. I don't care that he's Mexican. I don't care that shaved his bald. I don't care if he does drugs/drinks/whatever. I don't care about his past. I just want another chance with him. I was foolish then, please come back?

Pericko

So my cockatiel is an interesting creature. He chirps loudly whenever he hears my mom's car engine park in front of the house. He fluffs his feathers and makes a chewy action with his beak when placed in a secure place. Usually near your ear or chest. When he's excited, he walks towards a foot, and if that foot provokes him, he begins to scream. The image of his beak being wide open screaming at the foot is hilarious. When the yelling is enough, he whistles extremely loud in order to gain attention. He is soooo conceited I swear.
I just realized I am writing about my feathered pet when I'm supposed to be doing homework. Yes, homework on a Friday night because I have no life. That's right, I admitted I have no life. Oh don't worry; you don't either. :) Ciao.